If anyone has said anything this week that really made an impression on me, it would have to be my mum. I had a funny experience and as usual, spoke to her about it. Now, believe me when I say, my mum knows me. She knows my tongue and how well my fingers can do wonders when I decide to put my words on paper. However, after narrating my little experience, she said, ‘You added value to yourself and your work.’ What a compliment!
My experience and conversation with my mum got me thinking about our abilities as human beings to receive words from others and the way we process and filter them. In one week, I got two different kinds of emails from two different people on very different matters. One had the following words, ‘blunt and often confrontational tone,’ while the other read, ‘a socially conscious journalist with apparently both enchanting personality and appearance!’
Fair is fair and both situations were very different and not at all related. But this is what got me thinking, in previous times, I would have spent so much time dissecting and analysing the former email and totally forget that the latter had good things to say. It is interesting, how we as individuals see people in different ways or read situations differently. Sometimes, we spend so much time trying to fix the negative of what MR A said, about us or to us that we forget to appreciate the positive that Mrs B said.
A friend once told me that as human beings, we have the tendency to focus on the negative things said to or about us because we want to fix it and ensure the person who said it, does not feel, see or think of us that way. We want to be good at all times and all year round. However, we forget that we have all been raised in different environments and the way we process things could well be down to the social, cultural and maybe political environment we come from. Hence, you may say something and mean A but the person listening to you could interpret it as Z and so, you have two opposites of the same situation. Tricky eh!
This experience really took me back to the days when I did not know what it meant to be passive or aggressive. Hence, there were times when I was rather passive in situations where I needed to be assertive. And in situations, where I needed to keep calm, I got aggressive. That was a long time ago but looking back, I see there was a great need on my path to be liked and accepted. So, I sacrificed what I really wanted or needed to say in order to get the other party’s approval. I did what they wanted, so we could keep rolling like buddies or for the sake of keeping the peace. But this is the interesting thing, I would get so angry at myself when it was all done. It took a long time but I learnt to say what I needed to say and do what I needed to do, and I am still learning to do just that. There is no need making scarifices that leave you fuming. Now, do not get confused about this, I am not saying we should not make sacrifices for others. The act of sacrifice is one thing we have to do for people we love and sometimes strangers because you have no idea know what tomorrow holds.
I think all of my experiences this week served as indicators of how far I have come on my personal journey to learn what I need to learn in the different situations I find myself. If anything, I have made up my mind to take the positive and leave the negative while seeking ways to improve as an individual. That is the beauty of life, knowing full well that my imperfections are fully on display for me to see and when I pay attention, I work on them and move on. I am not so keen on being liked by everybody anymore because by the time that happens, all of my hair would have gone gray. Hence, I have given up on that task. I will at all times do my utmost best to respect others, be civil and treat them the way I would like to be treated. But does this mean, I will allow others trample all over me? NO!
In situations that I have no control over, I am learning to walk away with a savory taste in my mouth, not anger or bitterness because these emotions take up a lot of energy and space, which I can spend on something productive. In situations I can do something about, though I no longer feel the need to always have the final say, I am learning to say what I mean and mean what I say. There is no need being passive aggressive, say it, mean it and leave it. You cannot always be right but be willing to apologise when you are wrong…
As for me, I am just very happy that I am growing up, learning from my mistakes, making decisions for myself and of course, always asking my mum what she thinks. I am a blessed girl, I have my biological mother and I have an adopted mother and they both add so much to me. I once told someone that until I can make jollof rice the way my biological mother makes jollof rice, take care of everyone around her in addition to the sound decisions she makes about her children, then I will be able to say, I am a good mother and a great cook. Well, when I get to the place, where I can handle situations like my adopted mother does, then I will be able to say, that I am truly learning my life’s little lesons.
Have a fabulous weekend and keep your head up!!!!
