I am getting in touch with the sentimental part of myself today, it is allowed. For I am about to break my own rule. I wrote them, I can change them too. So, its Mother’s Day and we do the honourable thing by calling our mums and saying lovely things to them. In time past, I have called my mum because it was the norm. I could not wait for the conversation to be over on such occasions, especially when we were not getting along but I called because tradition demands that we do. Today is different, we have come a long way since then and there is more work to be done but I say ‘tata’ to progress. Today, I choose to celebrate my mum for her strength and support in my life. I think Mother’s Day should not be resigned to one day of the year. It should be celebrated at every opportunity you get to do so for you have no idea what tomorrow holds.
And so, by getting in touch with my sentimental self while celebrating the joy of being a woman and a mother-in-waiting, I brought my journal out. The one I have kept for my future child/children. I have never shared any part of it with anyone and this is the rule I am breaking. I wrote this piece earlier this year after I went into a shoe shop for I love shoes. However, when I got there, I did not look for shoes for myself. I was checking out the shoes for little girls. Help a sista out comes to mind but I am allowed. I should be. At 30, its okay to have that desire and want children if that is what you want. For I know there are people who are not that way inclined. However, I am and I look forward to it.
I know they say the eggs start having issues when you get to 30 but I am certain mine are just fine, come on now, humour me. I am learning to laugh at myself. I know they say, the clock starts ticking from 30 but my clock is working according to my time, again, laugh with me…tick tock! And so, one night while reading All About Love By Susan L. Taylor, I picked up my pen and wrote this after reading the section on family. These are my dreams and I am sure when she gets here and grows up, she will have hers but there is nothing wrong with having a dream. I sure hope her dreams are bigger and better than mine, and above all else, she achieves a million times over what I achieve in my lifetime. Here it is, unedited for these are the words that poured out of me onto the page. Maybe I will edit at a later date…for now… For My Little Girl, enjoy!
I dream a dream
I dream of you
What you will look like
What you will sound like
I wonder who you will take after
Me or your daddy though I have no idea who the frigging hell he is
He is taking his time to get here
But that has not stopped me from dreaming of you
For I dream a dream
I dream of you
I dream about carrying you
Feeling you kick while you play inside me
I dream of the dream that I have for you
And how I want you to turn out in life
I dream of pushing you out
Not because I don’t want you inside me
But my body has decided you must be deported into the real world
I dream about hearing you cry for the first time
I wonder if your voice will be as loud and fierce as mine
I wonder what your first day out of the safest place you have ever known will be like
And what you will make of this world
I dream of taking you home and the night vigils we will hold together
I wonder what your journey will be like
I think about how you will communicate with me when you don’t feel well
At 3 months
6 months
9 months
Until you are old enough to say, mummy, my head hurts or my stomach aches
And I must say, I get anxious about the 3, 6 and 9 months mark
I dream of the day you say your first words
I wonder what hearing you speak will do to me
I look forward to seeing you crawl
Take your first step
falling over and pulling yourself back up
I dream about your first day at school
And what getting you ready for that experience will be like
What do we do with your hair?
Plaits, braids, weave twist or a bun
Okay, if your daddy is African like me, then it is plaits, braids, the whole deal
But if he is white, most definitely, ponytail, a bun, French twist braids, weave…the whole shebang!
But I’m sure we can invent our own hairstyles
I dream of your school days
From grade 1 to college or university, whatever you choose to call it
I wonder the dreams you will dream for yourself and path you will map out for yourself
And so, I look forward to watching you grow as you shape and define your own identity and destiny
I look forward to our fights with great anxiety for that cannot be avoided
I can’t promise that I won’t meddle in your business…that’s just something mums do
You won’t understand until we get there
But I hope we can find a way to get around them
I look forward to wiping your tears as you learn the painful lessons of life
For they will make you grow but they won’t kill you
And of course, I dread the day you say you are moving out
Like my mum did though she has never admitted she misses me around
I wonder how this will change our relationship
For it must hurt to see your little girl make decisions that don’t involve you
And so, I look forward to your first crush
I pray you learn early to let your head make sound judgements and that you guard your heart
For this is a lesson I learnt at a late stage but I learnt it well
And when you find love
I hope you love with every breath
And dance to love like its your last dance
I dream a dream
That you will be the best at whatever you do
And while I sometimes ask myself, what if he, your daddy that is, never comes
What happens to my dream of you?
And your dream for you?
But I choose to hope
Hope that he comes and together, we make beautiful babies
And you will be part of us
I dream a dream
I dream of you.
(C) 2010 Belinda Otas
Image: Matt Banks / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
