Recently, I told a friend a secret my mum and two close friends have been privileged to know. I no longer pray about getting married or even ask God to bring the MAN of my dreams into my life. She was in disbelief. She just could not comprehend that I would not labour in prayer for something as important as getting married. I told her that I laboured between the age of 22 to 30 (which is a very long time by the way) and when God did not deliver after eight years, I figured he had other things in store. I best find out what they are. Now, I spend my energy praying about my purpose and mission in life. I’ll leave the marriage mission to the man. When the time comes, he will find me right where I will be sitting pretty and when God is ready, he will deliver. He knows my address. I was very open with my friend and told her, I stopped praying about getting married when I turned 30. Let’s just say my friend could not grasp what I was saying. To her, I was not spritual enough. After all, you PUSH – Pray Until Something Happens – for what you want in life. Well, for me and where marriage is concerned, I’m not praying about it anymore. If anything, when I find myself attracted to someone, I mutter Lord, reveal this joker beyond his fine physical form dripping sex because I could take him out right here, right now! Seriously, I go into a ‘PHYCHEMBA’ Mode. As in Physics, his Physiology is speaking to me. Chemistry, my mind tells me there is chemistry to be explored and Biology, we all know what happens between doctors and nurses… (Yes, Christians have sex and a lot of it. They do it up, down, sideways, you name it…they do it and they do it right. How else do you think they make their babies? Osmosis??) – and I leave it there because I’m no longer in the mood for time wasters and certainly cannot go through the motions and emotions – he likes me, he likes me not or analyse every action to decipher what was not said or intended. I’m tired of the ‘analysis paralysis’ syndrome that leaves you doing things you would not do when in your right mind because you are consumed by attraction and desperation. Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it and I’m saying NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! For it is written: ‘Affliction will not rise up a second time.’ 🙂
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying because God did not deliver when I wanted him to or let me call it like I see it, when I was DESPERATE for a relationship and wanted to get married, he didn’t…as such I won’t pray anymore. Hence, I’m giving him an ultimatum. NO! That’s not what I’m doing. I’m grown and been through too much with the BIG MAN to know he does not work on ultimatums when you are throwing a tantrum like a child, whose candy has been withheld. Can I be real? Now I know there are ladies who have never been in this situation and have never been desperate but I have and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to say I once wanted a man badly, specifically, during WINTER!!!! In case you haven’t noticed, each winter gets colder and between the sheets without body heat is not funny. Hence, you can understand why I would like a cuddle and I still want a cuddle but there comes a time, when you must see past having a NEED that’s driving you to the MAD HOUSE because it is consuming you like wild fire and sapping your energy to live a wholesome and rich life. Now, for all you, HOLY, PHONY and FINICKY folks, who have never been desperate or even think about sex, you don’t have to share your secret. This is my secret. Erm…it is no longer a secret 🙂 – Inhale, Exhale, Save Yourself, let’s keep it moving…just keep reading…
Now, why am I writing a post as personal as this? I’m going to keep it real once more…I have been dealing with personal ‘ish’ like you have been dealing with yours. We all have some ‘ISH’ we are dealing with, from mental to emotional to financial…life is funny like that… Yes, you don’t have to know I have been dealing with my ‘ish’ but I am going to write about it anyway because I want to and you reserve the right to stop reading right about now 🙂 No, you know I’m messing about…keep reading 🙂 I appreciate you stopping by and do not take it for granted.
I was having a Twitter chat with a fine lady who was telling me how she enjoys reading my blog post, especially the ones with a personal story/lesson embedded in them. I was well chuffed and honoured. We got chatting some more and soon, we were on four words: Inspiration, Sharing, Engaging and Emancipation. I made a point that we get bogged down by silly things that don’t matter and taking the limits off in order to be free means learning to stay clear of those trivial things and focus on what’s important. That’s how this blog evolved and this takes me back to my decision to stop praying about marriage and getting married. I really had to sit myself down and have a real talk and the emancipation began…
Two days ago, I was writing a poem which came from a place of retrospection and it was meant to be for my gratitude journal but here we are… My mentor, I also call her mum plays a big role in my life and recently, she made a comment that my confidence was increasing. She can say that because she has seen me come from the young woman who was broken, racked with pain and was very angry to one who is focused and knows what she wants to do with her life. She has also seen me go through different stages and emotions in life and for her to say that is a huge compliment. I am eternally grateful to her and everyone who has been part of my journey. There are people, who mentor me secretly and from afar because I study their life and use it as a benchmark, especially if they are doing something I aspire to do. There are those, who mentor me on a one-on-one basis but these are treasured relationships and as such, I won’t go any further into the individual dynamics of these special connections 🙂
Back to poem, titled the Independence of Me because I felt like I had given myself her own independence and was finally allowing me to walk, breathe and just be. Sometimes, we have the ability to snuff the life out of ourselves because we are so focused on the wrong things and worry for no reason. Unnecessary high blood pressure if I’m honest and what we end up doing is living below our potential because we are feeding our energy to all the wrong things. We worry about getting married if you are single like I used to do. We stress over what we have and don’t have, we cry over what some joker said about us…you name it, we do it all but forget to take some time to really love on ourselves and set ourselves free from the crazy things around us…
We don’t take time out to look at ourselves in the mirror and say to self, I LOVE YOU. Bonnie Greer said something at an event I went to recently, she said: You can lie to everyone else but when you look in the mirror, there is one person you cannot lie to, YOURSELF. I looked in the mirror on this particular day and before I knew it, I was writing…it was a few lines but it made so much sense to me…
The Independence of Me…
Two years and counting, she has been silent
In silence, she has been searching
Digging to discover who and what she has become
She has stumbled on the self she hates
Found the self she loves
The journey to reconcile both
Somewhat tragic and at other times joyful
For the self she hates did things she cannot fathom
But the self she loves is forgiving and understands
That life and our actions can be haunting and accusatory
So, she stays faithful to the self she loves
The self that is free
A freedom of layers she alone understands
And that freedom stems from the fact that I’m comfortable in my own skin. I have freed myself from some suicide character traits and actions and still negotiating between the various emotions that make me who I’m while enjoying my independence…This freedom was not given to me by man or woman. I gave it to myself when I took time out to get to know me better, be honest with myself and above all, forgive myself. And because I know me, it is okay to be me – a complex being full of contradictions. I’m in love with myself today, more than I was yesterday and I will be in love with myself tomorrow, more than I’m today.
I really think life is too short to stay imprisoned in your mind. You have so much to offer but if you stay in that self imposed jail because you are waiting for a ring or someone to approve of you, you are going to wake up one day and realise that life has moved on. And that my dear is not a good thing or great way to live your life.
Enjoy the new month and enjoy being you.
Image: ©iStockphoto.com/Felix Möckel
PS: Don’t trying looking up in a dictionary for some of the words in this post. They will make sense to a Nigerian but I hope you get the jist 🙂
