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April 2020
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The Emancipation of Moi!

FreedomRecently, I told a friend a secret my mum and two close friends have been privileged to know. I no longer pray about getting married or even ask God to bring the MAN of my dreams into my life. She was in disbelief. She just could not comprehend that I would not labour in prayer for something as important as getting married. I told her that I laboured between the age of 22 to 30 (which is a very long time by the way) and when God did not deliver after eight years, I figured he had other things in store. I best find out what they are. Now, I spend my energy praying about my purpose and mission in life. I’ll leave the marriage mission to the man. When the time  comes, he will find me right where I will be sitting pretty and when God is ready, he will deliver. He knows my address.  I was very open with my friend and told her, I stopped praying about getting married when I turned 30. Let’s just say my friend could not grasp what I was saying. To her, I was not spritual enough. After all, you PUSH – Pray Until Something Happens – for what you want in life. Well, for me and where marriage is concerned, I’m not praying about it anymore. If anything, when I find myself attracted to someone, I mutter Lord, reveal this joker beyond his fine physical form dripping sex because I could take him out right here, right now! Seriously, I go into a ‘PHYCHEMBA’ Mode. As in Physics, his Physiology is speaking to me. Chemistry, my mind tells me there is chemistry to be explored and Biology, we all know what happens between doctors and nurses… (Yes, Christians have sex and a lot of  it. They do it up, down, sideways, you name it…they do it and they do  it right. How else do you think they make their babies? Osmosis??)  – and I leave it there because I’m no longer in the mood for time wasters and certainly cannot go through the motions and emotions – he likes me, he likes me not or analyse every action to decipher what was not said or intended.  I’m tired of the ‘analysis paralysis’ syndrome that leaves you doing things you would not do when in your right mind because you are consumed by attraction and desperation. Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it and I’m saying NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! For it is written: ‘Affliction will not rise up a second time.’ 🙂

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying because God did not deliver when I wanted him to or let me call it like I see it, when I was DESPERATE for a relationship and wanted to get married, he didn’t…as such I won’t pray anymore.  Hence, I’m giving him an ultimatum. NO! That’s not what I’m doing. I’m grown and been through too much with the BIG MAN to know he does not work on ultimatums when you are throwing a tantrum like a child, whose candy has been withheld.  Can I be real? Now I know there are ladies who have never been in this situation and have never been desperate but I have and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to say I once wanted a man badly, specifically, during WINTER!!!! In case you haven’t noticed, each winter gets colder and between the sheets without body heat is not funny. Hence, you can understand why I would like a cuddle and I still want a cuddle but there comes a time, when you must see past having a NEED  that’s driving you to the MAD HOUSE because it is consuming you like wild fire and sapping your energy to live a wholesome and rich  life. Now, for all you, HOLY, PHONY and FINICKY folks, who have never been desperate or even think about sex, you don’t have to share your secret. This is my secret. Erm…it is no longer a secret 🙂 –  Inhale, Exhale, Save Yourself, let’s keep it moving…just keep reading…

Now, why am I writing a post as personal as this? I’m going to keep it real once more…I have been dealing with personal ‘ish’ like you have been dealing with yours. We all have some ‘ISH’ we are dealing with, from mental to emotional to financial…life is funny like that… Yes, you don’t have to know I have been dealing with my ‘ish’ but I am going to write about it anyway because I want to and you reserve the right to stop reading right about now 🙂 No, you know I’m messing about…keep reading 🙂 I appreciate you stopping by and do not take it for granted.

I was having a Twitter chat with a  fine lady who was telling me how she enjoys reading my blog post, especially the ones with a personal story/lesson embedded in them. I was well chuffed and honoured. We got chatting some more and soon, we were on four words: Inspiration, Sharing, Engaging and Emancipation. I made a point that we get bogged down by silly things that don’t matter and taking the limits off in order to be free means learning to stay clear of those trivial things and focus on what’s important. That’s how this blog evolved and this takes me back to my decision to stop praying about marriage and getting married. I really had to sit myself down and have a real talk and the emancipation began…

Two days ago, I was writing a poem which came from a place of retrospection and it was meant to be for my gratitude journal but here we are… My mentor, I also call her mum plays a big role in my life and recently, she made a comment that my confidence was increasing. She can say that because she has seen me come from the young woman who was broken, racked with pain and was very angry to one who is focused and knows what she wants to do with her life. She has also seen me go through different stages and emotions in life and for her to say that is a huge compliment. I am eternally grateful to her and everyone who has been part of my journey. There are people, who mentor me secretly and from afar because I study their life and use it as a benchmark, especially if they are doing something I aspire to do.  There are those, who mentor me on a one-on-one basis but these are treasured relationships and as such, I won’t go any further into the individual dynamics of these special connections 🙂

Back to poem, titled the Independence of Me because I felt like I had given myself her own independence and was finally allowing me to walk, breathe and just be. Sometimes, we have the ability to snuff the life out of ourselves because we are so focused on the wrong things and worry for no reason. Unnecessary high blood pressure if I’m honest and what we end up doing is living below our potential because we are feeding our energy to all the wrong things. We worry about getting married if you are single like I used to do.  We stress over what we have and don’t have, we cry over what some joker said about us…you name it, we do it all but forget to take some time to really love on ourselves and set ourselves free from the crazy things around us…

We don’t take time out to look at ourselves in the mirror and say to self, I LOVE YOU. Bonnie Greer said something at an event I went to recently, she said: You can lie to everyone else but when you look in the mirror, there is one person you cannot lie to, YOURSELF. I looked in the mirror on this particular day and before I knew it, I was writing…it was a few lines but it made so much sense to me…


The Independence of Me…

Two years and counting,  she has been silent

In silence, she has been searching

Digging to discover who and what she has become

She has stumbled on the self she hates

Found the self she loves

The journey to reconcile both

Somewhat tragic and at other times joyful

For the self she hates did things she cannot fathom

But the self she loves is forgiving and understands

That life and our actions can be haunting and accusatory

So, she stays faithful to the self she loves

The self that is free

A freedom of layers she alone understands


And that freedom stems from the fact that I’m comfortable in my own skin. I have freed myself from some suicide character traits and actions and still negotiating between the various emotions that make me who I’m while enjoying my independence…This freedom was not given to me by man or woman. I gave it to myself when I took time out to get to know me better, be honest with myself and above all, forgive myself. And because I know me, it is okay to be me – a complex being full of contradictions. I’m in love with myself today, more than I was yesterday and I will be in love with myself tomorrow, more than I’m today.

I really think life is too short to stay imprisoned in your mind. You have so much to offer but if you stay in that self imposed jail because you are waiting for a ring or someone to approve of you, you are going to wake up one day and realise that life has moved on.  And that my dear is not a good thing or great way to live your life.

Enjoy the new month and enjoy being you.


Image: © Möckel


PS: Don’t trying looking up in a dictionary for some of the words in this post. They will make sense to a Nigerian but I hope you get the jist 🙂







14 Responses to “The Emancipation of Moi!”

  1. Bunmi Nubi says:

    Wow Belinda. Never a true word said. You will free many with this. Yes im well aware of the game of – He loves me – He loves me not. Been the recipient a few times. Defined as the moves of people who are sure today, blanking you tmrow and …swearing undying love nxt week. After all a sister who has served the Lord faithfully and is believing for a lifepartner after the age of 35 is desperate and a brother is just considering his options and taking his time. You have done the brave thing and written from the heart. Respect. Wld still keep praying though LOL – so the right one will ‘shine’ his eyes…..

  2. Belinda, this is so spot on…to tell you the truth, am married and very happy, but this is applicable to other things in life, not just marriage. It is very inspirational and will definitely get a lot of women going!Thanks for sharing

  3. Belinda Otas says:

    @ Adeline, thanks for your kind feedback. I’m glad to hear you are happily married, encouraging to folks like me 🙂 True this is applicable to other areas of life…we must learn to put things in perspective as we grow and learn. I was nervous at first about writing this because I didn’t want folks gossiping but it hit me, I was was setting myself free by being hionest and bold enough to write about my experience and that is what it is… those who want to gossip can go ahead. I hope others see some truth in it and can apply it in their own way to their life…we have more in common than we admit and by sharing our individual stories/experiences, we help each other I believe…have a good one.

  4. Grace says:

    Dear Belinda

    I love your posts. I’m supposed to be working and here I am just reading..just one more. I tell people there is nothing wrong with having the desire to have a mate, that’s natural and normal but the desire should not be the controlling force of your life. I’m all for enjoying whatever season of life one is in. The right one will come when the right one comes I am a true witness to the fact. When I was like.. Lord, I’m out…You know my address and phone number, when he’s ready send me a memo! Lol’ and he did. Keep writing, you’re really inspiring a lot of us.

  5. Belinda Otas says:

    @ Grace, lol! You made me laugh. Thanks for your kind feedback and taking time to read my post. I’m truly honoured. Do some work also 🙂 Have a good one x

  6. Belinda Otas says:

    @ Bunmi Nubi, thanks for your comment and finding some truth in what I have said. Someone has got to do it and I find that once you admit to something, you are on your way to defeating it, especially if it is a source of pain or emotional/mental turmoil…this is my truth but if others can relate, even better.

  7. Roberta Okih says:

    As I said before – wow! It takes a lot of courage to write that. I can relate to everything you’ve said coz I’ve travelled that road myself! There were times I felt like giving up until a friend shared something with me, which changed my prayer line: At the time Hannah prayed for a son, Heaven was also looking for a priest, and in her prayer she said if God gave her a son she’d give him back to serve Him. So I just asked God by faith to make me the answer to someone’s prayer and that happened about a year later. .. having been in waiting about 7 years after uni! (You know that’s when family start to pressure you; before then you’re not even allowed come within a 100 yards of a boy!! – lol)

    Like someone already said, the desire to meet “the one” is natural/God given. So no apologies there! And yes, I’m happy but marriage is also a lorra work! More importantly, one of the things I’ve discovered since being married is that life is certainly not black and white; there are ‘grey’ and if I may add, ‘coloured’ areas too! Different approaches [taken in faith] work for dfferent people. Which is why I’m inspired by your decision to leave the finding to the man! Some super-spiritual folks might have a problem with it but I am confident that God will honour your faith and cause you to shout for joy very soon! I wish more people (single & married) would catch this revelation

    Permit me to say this (God knows I’ve said this to myself long before reading this article)… The last couple of times I’ve seen you in ‘shursh’ I’ve sensed this unusual PEACE and SERENE aura all over you. Thank God for Chanel No 7 but peace is one FRAGRANCE the brother will not be able to resist when he shows up. Keep SHINING my sista!!! xxxx

  8. Belinda Otas says:

    @ Roberta, oh my world, what can I say?? Thank you and thank you for this. I appreciate your generosity and honesty. Lady, you made me laugh. Marriage is a ‘lorra’ work. I like the phoney oh! 🙂 Yes, it took me a lot of courage to post this particular post because you wonder what people will think but I have now reached the place where I let others do the thinking/gossiping. I will focus on the writing 🙂 Thanks for the serene peace and aura observation, we need more of it for sure. No 7, bring it on! lol!! Peace is truly a fragrance my dear. I had rather that than katakata from worrying…Have a lovely weekend and see you soon. xxxx

  9. Femi Ojo says:

    Thanks for setting your self free thru this article and for inspiring others and giving hope too. It takes boldness, courage and confidence to an article such as this in public glare….Thumbs up!

  10. Belinda Otas says:

    @ Femi Ojo, thanks for taking the tine to read my blog/musings and feedback.

  11. Debra says:

    This is very inspiring! Read some of your posts – this is one of the best because it’s from your heart. I know these words are not just for you but for every girl, woman out there who thinks their time for marriage is running out.This is a call to eveyone to first love themselves. Well done Belinda!!!

  12. Belinda Otas says:

    Thank you my beautiful sister.

  13. Funke says:

    Interesting piece, its good to get a feel what it is like for others especially when you are not in their shoes. Totally agree, when things don’t go according to plan we need as always to keep our purpose/mission in view

  14. Belinda Otas says:

    Thanks Funke for stopping by and taking the time to read my post.

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