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14Mar

For My Little Girl

I am getting in touch with the sentimental part of myself today, it is allowed.  For I am about to break my own rule. I wrote them, I can change them too. So, its Mother’s Day and we do the honourable thing by calling our mums and  saying lovely things to them. In time past, I have called my mum because it was the norm. I could not wait for the conversation to be over on such occasions, especially when we were not getting along but I called because tradition demands that we do.  Today is different, we have come a long way since then and there is more work to be done but I say ‘tata’ to progress. Today, I choose to celebrate my mum for her strength and support in my life. I think Mother’s Day should not be resigned to one day of the year. It should be celebrated at every opportunity you get to do so for you have no idea what tomorrow holds.

And so, by getting in touch with my sentimental self while celebrating the joy of being a woman and a mother-in-waiting, I brought my journal out. The one I have kept for my future child/children. I have never shared any part of it with anyone and this is the rule I am breaking. I wrote this piece earlier this year after I went into a shoe shop for I love shoes. However, when I got there, I did not look for shoes for myself. I was checking out the shoes for little girls. Help a sista out comes to mind but I am allowed. I should be. At 30, its okay to have that desire and want children if that is what you want. For I know there are people who are not that way inclined. However, I am and I look forward to it.

I know they say the eggs start having issues when you get to 30 but I am certain mine are just fine, come on now, humour me. I am learning to laugh at myself. I know they say, the clock starts ticking from 30 but my clock is working according to my time, again, laugh with me…tick tock! And so, one night while reading All About Love By Susan L. Taylor, I picked up my pen and wrote this after reading the section on family. These are my dreams and I am sure when she gets here and grows up, she will have hers but there is nothing wrong with having a dream. I sure hope her dreams are bigger and better than mine, and above all else, she achieves a million times over what I achieve in my lifetime.  Here it is, unedited for these are the words that poured out of me onto the page. Maybe I will edit at a later date…for now… For My Little Girl, enjoy!

 

I dream a dream

I dream of you

What you will look like

What you will sound like

I wonder who you will take after

Me or your daddy though I have no idea who the frigging hell he is

He is taking his time to get here

But that has not stopped me from dreaming of you

For I dream a dream

I dream of you

I dream about carrying you

Feeling you kick while you play inside me

I dream of the dream that I have for you

And how I want you to turn out in life

I dream of pushing you out

Not because I don’t want you inside me

But my body has decided you must be deported into the real world

 

I dream about hearing you cry for the first time

I wonder if your voice will be as loud and fierce as mine

I wonder what your first day out of the safest place you have ever known will be like

And what you will make of this world

I dream of taking you home and the night vigils we will hold together

I wonder what your journey will be like

I think about how you will communicate with me when you don’t feel well

At 3 months

6 months

9 months

Until you are old enough to say, mummy, my head hurts or my stomach aches

And I must say, I get anxious about the 3, 6 and 9 months mark

I dream of the day you say your first words

I wonder what hearing you speak will do to me

I look forward to seeing you crawl

Take your first step

falling over and pulling yourself back up

 

I dream about your first day at school

And what getting you ready for that experience will be like

What do we do with your hair?

Plaits, braids, weave twist or a bun

Okay, if your daddy is African like me, then it is plaits, braids, the whole deal

But if he is white, most definitely, ponytail, a bun, French twist braids, weave…the whole shebang!

But I’m sure we can invent our own hairstyles

I dream of your school days

From grade 1 to college or university, whatever you choose to call it

I wonder the dreams you will dream for yourself and path you will map out for yourself

And so, I look forward to watching you grow as you shape and define your own identity and destiny

I look forward to our fights with great anxiety for that cannot be avoided

I can’t promise that I won’t meddle in your business…that’s just something mums do

You won’t understand until we get there

But I hope we can find a way to get around them

I look forward to wiping your tears as you learn the painful lessons of life

For they will make you grow but they won’t kill you

And of course, I dread the day you say you are moving out

Like my mum did though she has never admitted she misses me around

I wonder how this will change our relationship

For it must hurt to see your little girl make decisions that don’t involve you

 

And so, I look forward to your first crush

I pray you learn early to let your head make sound judgements and that you guard your heart

For this is a lesson I learnt at a late stage but I learnt it well

And when you find love

I hope you love with every breath

And dance to love like its your last dance

I dream a dream

That you will be the best at whatever you do

And while I sometimes ask myself, what if he, your daddy that is, never comes

What happens to my dream of you?

And your dream for you?

But I choose to hope

Hope that he comes and together, we make beautiful babies

And you will be part of us

I dream a dream

I dream of you.

(C) 2010 Belinda Otas

Image: Matt Banks / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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12 Responses to “For My Little Girl”

  1. Deborah says:

    Waoh…Belinda what do I say? very sincere! I love it… Who knows, maybe daddy is already there but you’ve not seen him “yet”?

  2. Belinda Otas says:

    Deborah, hahaha, ‘maybe daddy is already there but you haven’t seen him “yet”!
    Thanks hun for loving it 🙂
    xxx

  3. Bunmi says:

    Awwww….brought me to tears……

  4. Belinda Otas says:

    Awww, thanks Bunmi, let the tears flow dear 🙂

  5. Ogochukwu says:

    Wow…Eeya…Awwwh…this is so sweet and touching….

    Belinda…this is beautiful…

    Me too i dream a dream of my own little girl too o…

  6. Belinda Otas says:

    Ogo, Ogo, Ogo, how many times did I call ya name? 🙂
    Thank you dear. Let’s dream! It is possible
    x

  7. Hans Schippers says:

    Very moving… Somehow I identify with this, as it expresses my own child wish too… Then again, maybe that sounds strange as I never hear that kind of stuff from a man’s mouth… Not sure why though…

  8. Modupe says:

    Whao….I cant seem to close my mouth!

    Its beautiful. . .

  9. Belinda Otas says:

    Thanks Modupe

  10. Sesi says:

    wow, you took the thoughts right out of my head!

  11. Belinda Otas says:

    @ Sesi, glad to hear it 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.

  12. Julian says:

    awww,just read this,cudnt go without saying sumin…

    *teary just*

    awww,i wont stop dreaming:))

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