For Nas: Loving You Because You Are Love
Where do I start? Okay, let me start off by saying I apologise for putting your business on full blast but you are so worth it. I have not blogged for a while and for reasons you know but for you, that hiatus is on hold for a day because I need you to know how much you have blessed me.
It all started with a tweet and at first, I thought who is this? Unknown to me, you were about to be the help I would need when the chips were down. Thank you and that is where I start and will end…Thank you…
Thank you for taking me up on all my crazy invites to art and culture related events. You never complain about being ‘dragged like a lamb’ to galleries, the theatre, talks/debates or other functions. I always knew I had a cheerleader in the audience and that was good enough for me. Thank you.
And this is where I am heading…when I got sick in July, I was pretty confident that after a week or two, it would all be over, unknown to me, life was about to change and things would never be the same again. You know the details, we won’t get into it but if anyone had told me at the end of June that come July/August, I would get to the place where I could barely walk, cook for myself or clean my house, I would have cursed them out because however things got tricky, when my mama could not come round to fix things, I found a way to do it though it sometimes took years to finish cooking or cleaning. This time around, that was not the case. On the days when things were bad, they were pretty bad.
But there you were…asking after me every day, checking up on me and always ending on the note that if I needed anything, to let you know. I have this habit where I rarely let anyone see me when ill or during a relapse. It is just a personal policy of mine. I am usually grumpy, unfriendly and sweet lawd, emotional and sensitive (the extreme kind :), and have been known to go off when someone steps on the wrong toe. My mum understands this part of me, she has been doing this with me since I was 16. So she does not get offended when am like that. So imagine my fear after I told you that I was unable to eat due to the course of treatment I was on and the side effects. All I could have was fluid and that was not helping because I was disappearing fast after losing 4 kilos in one week due to the havoc my medication was wreaking on me…on top of that, standing was a challenge…I just did not have the strength to do anything…and there you were, offering to come around and help me
You dropped everything, went shopping and came over to cook for me. Then the humour after I went on and on about how I was concerned and afraid of getting an infection being that my immune system was heavily compromised at that point and an infection was the last thing I needed. My mama had not been around for two days as she would normally ensure the place is spotless. When you got to my house, you looked around and said this looks fine and I responded, I am a ‘clean freak’ and we both laughed. Nevertheless, you helped clean the areas I was concerned about. Thank you.
Then you cooked for me – my first meal in almost two weeks. Lawd have mercy, it was so obvious that I was hungry and you stayed with me for most of the day and we talked and we laughed. I remember telling you how I had prayed when things got really bad during the previous weeks and had asked God that if this was how it ends after my last visit to the A&E, I was ready to end it all and he could take me but must ensure my mama’s heart would be healed…the physical pain was now too much and I could not continue like this. You didn’t judge me, you listened to me. Thank you.
You stayed close and did what my sisters would have done if they were around but they are not and I had you and you are a sister for sure. Thank you.
And this – whenever we went out during that challenging period and I could not walk at the same pace as you, you slowed down, held my hand and helped me to walk and climb stairs. Thank you. When I started getting breathless as I walked before the doctors could figure out what was wrong, again, you held my hand. I remember the night we were coming back from the Albany theatre, the breathlessness got so bad and I was about to fall over, you didn’t just hold my hand, you grabbed me and if you could, would have carried me. You ensured that I got on the train and kept asking throughout the journey if I was okay. If you had your way that night, you would have followed me home before heading back to yours but I convinced you that I would be okay.
I could go on about all the things you have done for me but know this, every time you helped me, you helped in my recovery process. You gave me hope because you were so selfless in your giving, your time, your love and your gift of you. When you went home for a short break, you didn’t stop, you sent me messages on Twitter to check if I was okay. Ha! I need to clone you because I need you. I know we live in an age where sisters are supposed to be strong but you have seen me at one of my weakest points and helped me to remember how much I do need people and no matter how strong I think I am, there will be days when my own strength is not sufficient. Thanks for the external source I could tap some positive energy from. Heaven knows that I needed you in that season. Thank you.
Now I am smiling as I write because when we went out to the Southbank and we got carried away taking pictures and all that we got up to on the day. As we headed back home, you said ‘you look happy’ and you are getting back to yourself because my eyes were no longer as sucked in as the were. I responded, yes I am happy. And I truly was happy on the day…it had been sometime since I laughed like we did on that particular day or had fun just being out and about…I was truly getting back to myself and still on my journey
I have known for some time that this day would come – you leaving for Kenya. Truth is…the selfish part of me does not want you to go. Who am I going to have those deep conversations with? You may be leaving but I have a sister and a home in Kenya and this I know for sure. I cannot wait to hear about the great things you are going to do in this next chapter of life because you have POTENTIAL and Kenya is fertile ground. Go make your mark.
Thank you for the food, chat, laughter and being you. And this is where I say, when I start missing you because I know I will, I will remember the word ‘Fuckability’ and our mischievous moments and laugh out loud.
See you in Kenya because you know I am coming right?
Insha’Allah! And we are going to have a ball.
Sister girl, I love you because you are love. You don’t say it, you do it and you live it.