My Sense of Innocence
The first time he jammed himself into me
He said it was normal for it to hurt.
He said I was his favourite and I was special.
He said it is only special people who get this kind of gift
He said it was his gift to me
No one was to know about it or they will get jealous
He said it was our gift to each other
After the first time
It didn’t hurt so bad any more
And after the first year it was normal
I liked it, I enjoyed it and I felt like a woman
I was 14 when it started
By 16, I was looking for excuses to spend time with him
By 17, I was bored with him
By 18, I had a new boyfriend
And it was when I told him about my first time
That he told me I had been raped over and over.
I protested, he didn’t force me
He said, he didn’t have to force you.
Sex with a minor is rape
I’m 35 now, still in therapy
I don’t know what hurts more
That he was the family’s gardner or
That I was too naive to recognsie what was happening to me
Or that I was a willing participant
But one thing I know for sure
No bastard is touching my little girl
His pennis will be on the floor before his erection is complete
And no way in hell will it ever work again
(C) 2006 Belinda Otas
Note: I saw Deb Young perform Children of A Lesser God at the Hackney Empire in 2006, when the play, Da Kink In My Hair, was showing. It was deep then and it’s still deep whenever I watch the Youtube video above. I saw the play with my aunt and it became our point of discussion for weeks. Whenever we went to the theatre, Da Kink In My Hair, was the yardstick by which we measured other theatre productions. This is one piece that moves me over and over, and like a lunatic, I scribbled down the piece above a day after seeing the play. The title has changed but the words are true to what I felt as Deb Young’s character narrated her story on the stage. By the time she was done narrating this as a monologue in the play, let’s just say, Hackney Empire has never been so quiet